A nüeu paradigm of remicc!, a.s.m.r. eliminated/Ending A transcript

The first two and last paragraph were taken from the original script for the rant, while the middle paragraphs were newly transcribed. Thus, there may be slight inconsistencies in the narration.

Testing, testing, one two three. Okay, so… this is gonna sound weird, and you'll probably stop believing me very quickly, but hear me out… My name's Avocado Ian. Something's messing with me. I didn't wanna believe it at first, but here we are, I'm recording this, so something's obviously up.

Here's the story: I'm chilling in my town, waiting at the bus stop, right? 'S all good. There are a couple other people there, some furry dude asking about his toaster and my sister, a green girl with a mustache face on her stomach. I've never asked about that. The bus arrives, so my obvious instinct is to get on it. But then, THEN, get this, it just passes us by! Like it didn't see any of the people waiting for us. I look by to see where it went, and all of a sudden it flies away! Like, the bus is freaking flying! Then some numbers pop up out of thin air and the bus disappears. I'm not making any of this up. In my shock, the only words I could muster were a mangled attempt at disbelief: "shut the up." Then I see a flash, and it gets even stranger. The ground goes purple, and my sister's now purple, not green. And the bus just came back, like it hadn't gone through once already. Then it flies away again, but this time it doesn't just disappear, it flippin' gets PICKED UP BY SOME SORT OF INFINITE FRACTAL OF STOCK PICTURES OF DANCING PRETEENS, and THEN it disappears! At this point my logic circuits aren't even working, so to speak, and I just babble something. I don't remember what. It had to do with, like, table manners. I don't know. Now, I'm thoroughly weirded out, but I go about my day, like a normal person. In retrospect, I could've said something, considering that reality just broke before my very eyes, but nah. I do nothing. Then I fall into a void. Yeah.

Suddenly, I'm in some yellow void with the people I was at the bus stop with earlier! And the furry guy's now evil, and I can't control myself, and I'm attacking my own sister! And I'm like, "oh, why am I doing this? I don't hate her, she's my heckin' sister! I love her! Alright, alright, anyway, she goes and turns off the toaster (oh yeah, there was a toaster there, I don't even know). And the guy starts screaming. Not like scared screaming, I mean more like... baby-needs-to-change-its-diaper screaming. Then he fades away into nothingness. Did she just kill him? I don't even know anymore. Suddenly we start talking like super verbose British people from the 1900s, and then we get in the bus and fly away or something. At least, I got in the bus... but it doesn't get us anywhere!

Now we're all back in the yellow void and furry dude's giving me and my sister some mission briefing, except... we're all speaking gibberish. And the furry dude turns out to be named Toast, which is funny. Well, y'know, I'd find it funny if I wasn't in this situation, I mean. I did find it funny then, though, but only 'cause I'd just happened to forget literally everything when it reset. Yeah. Well, at least nothing horrible's happened this time around, right? All fine and dandy. Well, no! Suddenly, I shoot the furry dude! I'm not kidding, I don't even know where that gun came from. Does whoever's screwing with us really hate furry man that much? I feel kinda sorry for him, honestly.

Then, it all happens again. I lose my memories, the briefing happens and all of that, except now I'm on top of some sleeping person. Kinda creepy. The briefing is, like, whispering now, I don't get it either. Then I'm actually given the ability to walk around normally again, so I walk around a bit and try to figure out everything I can about this situation. I look over at the toaster first, and some disgustingly beefy man in his 20s flies over me, and says "your next line is..." and then something in Italian, like "vespasico," I don't know, right as the toaster sings that weird Italian Despaci… mumbles. The toaster sings, that, yeah, some Italian thing, and at this point I'm not even as weirded out, I just wanna go with it and hope I get out of this alive. And then, everything goes as normal up to then: I randomly shoot the dude and the flying man comes over and predicts the next voice coming out of nowhere. Then, it all stops, and I realize this has happened before, I get my memories back, and I think, "who knows? Maybe getting my memories back is the key to get out." NOPE! I go through some abandoned town working my way through. I find nothing, so I figure the only thing to do is to break into one of the houses. The code's posted on the door like only an idiot would do, or maybe a character in a puzzle game, I don't know – and then I go in. Now I'm in some weirdly satirical Jake Paul store. My first reaction is, as you might expect: "Wait! I thought his name was Javocado Paul!" But nope, he's Jake Paul now. Who names their kid Jake?! Then I hear Javocado Paul's terrible rap, and it all fades to black. Sorry: Jake Paul.

At this point my only thought is "Oh man, where am I gonna go next?" Guess what. I shoot the furry dude again. Yup. Then I'm transported back home! Finally! I'm like HOLY HECK YES! I still got the gun, but whatever, let's go back to my house. It's about then that I realize that I'm not home. I keep walking, but it's through all these bizarro scenarios, some of which I've been through before. Paula, my sister, why didn't I mention her name before now, and Toast show up again, and I try to shoot them, because I am just so fed up with seeing their sorry faces. I can't shoot. I don't know why, but I can't shoot. So I just flee like any rational person would, except now I'm fleeing through the ceiling. Obviously. I find myself in space, guess I really flew that high up. I fight some evil Javocad- I mean, Jake Paul, except he's called the Extinguisher of Suns now, because consistency. Where'd that come from again? Alright, then I destroy the mother ship and go back home, fina-hecking-lly. It's all chill, except everyone's calling me the Silent Wind. That didn't happen before now, I swear. I don't know if you all have false memories of me always being the Silent Wind or what's going on there, but this is all new. I'm sorry if this makes everyone in my town perceive me as insane, but I had to get it out there. This entire thing is nothing but the truth. Thank you for listening. This has been Ending A.